• Emilia Clarke 2016

8 Surprising Secrets To Boost Your Energy

Think about the most charismatic and magnetic people you know. 

How many of them would you say are are low-energy people?

I’d be willing to bet that the answer is none.

And that should come as no surprise ...

The fact is that our ability to be charismatic and connect powerfully with others is inextricably linked to how energetic we happen to be feeling.

And you don't need a confidence coach to tell you that it's hard to feel confident and enthusiastic when you're exhausted.

In this article, I'll be sharing the 8 most surprising secrets to staying energized on a consistent basis.

( You might be surprised to discover that none of them have anything to do with diet and exercise! ) 

I'll also include a handful of my favorite "Instant Energizers" for you to use to get an instant lift anytime you're feeling like you could use a good boost.

Secret #1. End the Silent Energy Drain - Declutter Your Space  

In his book "150 Ways to Boost Your Energy", Dr. Jonny Bowden professes that there is an inverse relationship between your energy levels and the amount of "stuff" you own - especially when the majority of it is stuff you don't need or use.

I once had the rather unpleasant experience of rooming with a hoarder in college. When my roommate's useless clutter would spill out of his living space and into the general living quarters, the other roommates would often remark that they that could actually feel the profound energy-draining effects of all that useless junk!

( The problem eventually got bad enough that we had to band together and vote the hoarder off the island ... )

You don't have to be an obsessive-compulsive junk collector to feel the drain that clutter causes. Even a handful of items scattered around your living space can absorb a substantial amount of your vital energy.

What's more, clutter tends to be magnetic - actually attracting even more clutter. Have you noticed how often clutter tends to do this? Have you noticed the effect this phenomenon has on your vital energy?

Moving forward, make it a habit to immediately put things away once you're done using them, and you'll cut this energy-depleting weed off in its tracks.

Instant Energizer: If you're feeling overwhelmed with a work or living space where the clutter has gotten out of control, try this: Give yourself permission to go crazy for 5 minutes and put away (or throw away) as much of it as you can in that short time span.

My bet is that after 5 minutes, you'll have cleared most of it out. This technique also allows you to tap into the mind's need for a sense of completion - You'll actually feel a healthy compulsion to deal with the leftovers rather than stop after the 5 minutes is up.

You'll also feel an instant sense of accomplishment (and relief) once the "brain-drain" is gone and you're finally clutter-free.

Secret #2. Close Open Loops, Open Closed Doors

Another silent energy assassin that we're rarely ever conscious of is having "incompletions" in our lives. In his video program "Wake Up Productive", Eben Pagan defines incompletions as those situations in our lives where we feel like we're lacking a sense of closure.

( Remember the mind's need for completion I just mentioned? ) 

What's truly insidious about these incompletions (or what I call "open loops") is that the toll they extract on our energy levels is an almost completely unconscious one.

When enough of these 'incompletions' accumulate in your life, there's a high probability that you'll actually start waking up feeling more tired than you were when we went to bed. 

No kidding ...

Imagine having 15 or 20 open programs on your computer's desktop running in the background. Is it any wonder why your computer would be running much slower than usual?

Maybe it's a fight you had with a family member where you never went back and got any closure. Maybe it's a falling out you had with an ex where you simply went your separate ways. Sometimes the 'open loop' is just a good friend that you were once close to and - for whatever reason - lost touch with over the years.

Either way, these open loops end up becoming invisible parasites, draining our energy levels and leaving us feeling much less alive.

If you're determined to end this energy drain, it's imperative that you go back and create completion in these situations. That simply means that it's time to go back and close the loop.

Instant Energizer: Call someone that you were once close to and - for whatever reason - fell out of touch with. Let them know that they were once a very important person in your life and that your life feels a little less complete since you've fallen out of touch.

( Believe me - The uplifting effect that this simple process creates can't be overstated )

If you're desiring a truly uplifting experience, call someone you were once close to and had a nasty falling out with. Let them know that you forgive them and that you're sorry for the part you played in the situation.


Simply apologize and accept responsibility for the situation (yes, even if they had a big part to play in it). You'll be shocked at the degree of respect people give you when you accept full responsibility for a situation without resorting to the juvenile practice of  blaming others.  

Remember ... Forgiveness is the ultimate expression of self-love (it's something you do for YOU, not for them); so liberate yourself and release the anger, hate and toxic resentment to the Universe. Those who refuse to release these toxic emotions will invariably pay a heavy debt ... Like Gautama Buddha said, "Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

SPECIAL NOTE: If one of your incompletions involves a situation where someone has passed on, make a commitment to forgive them and let whatever happened go. Let yourself off the hook and release it to the Universe.

Secret #3. Keep a Positive Aspects Journal

This powerful confidence-boosting energizer is elegant in its simplicity: Make it a daily practice to write down five things you love about your life and are truly grateful for.

Of the 70,000 thoughts we have a day, research has determined that over 80 percent are negative. 

Science also tells us that we humans tend to automatically focus on and remember the most negative parts of life simply because it's hard-wired into our DNA to do so - A survival instinct that helped our ancestors survive in a much more dangerous time.

Journaling daily changes the way you think (and feel) by keeping your focus and attention fixed on the most positive aspects of your life. It's also the tool that my clients consistently report makes the most immediate difference in their lives.  

The best time to journal is just before bed because the gratitude will flow into your subconscious as you sleep. Not only will you awaken feeling more confident, but you will also feel happier and more energized as well.

I personally use the Daily Greatness Journal and have found it to be such an effective game-changer in my own life that I now provide one to each of my clients. The huge advantage of this journal is that it provides daily guidelines, bullet-points, empowering affirmations and inspirational quotes meant to keep your focus trained squarely on your personal strengths and the things you have to be most grateful for in your life.

( You can get your own Daily Greatness Journal here )

Instant Energizer: If you don't own a journal, grab a clean sheet of paper and jot down the 5 things you feel most grateful for in life. I promise that you'll instantly feel more energized and grateful to be alive. Why not make feeling this blessed a daily practice?

Secret #4. Clear Off Your Mental Desk

I first learned this powerful technique from Matthew Hussey back in 2011 when I attended his 5 day retreat in Kissimmee, Florida. I've taught it to hundreds of my own clients since then and it's become one of my own favorite go-to techniques whenever I'm feeling drained or over-loaded.

( Eben Pagan calls this technique "Clearing Off Your Mental Desk", and it's no accident that he's included it as an exercise in nearly every program he's ever created )

Much like physical clutter drains us  
of energy, so does the mental clutter that we all have floating around in our heads.

If you're ready to plug the hole and stop the leak, it's required that you get that energy-sucking clutter out of head and onto a piece of paper.

Instant Energizer: Grab a notebook and on a clean sheet, write down everything that's on your mind. All the things you're worried about, all of the things you have to do, all of the things you need to start or finish. Put a star next to the 5 things that you can get done before the end of the day ... and then commit to doing them.

You'll be amazed at the energizing sense of clarity you get from finally emptying your overwhelmed mind. You'll also love the confidence boost you'll get from putting those 5 daily things into the 'DONE' folder of your mental desktop.

FREE RESOURCE: Brendan Burchard's One Page Productivity Planner is always a Godsend when I find myself balancing 2 to 3 big projects at a time. You can download it in PDF form here.

Secret #5. Plant an Energizing Vision in Your Mental Garden

One of the most powerful concepts I learned a few years back when I participated in The Landmark Forum was the idea of inventing a compelling vision of possibility for the future.

Whether it's a vision of you living in the dream home you've always wanted to buy or a vision of you as a best-selling author having just published the book you've always wanted to write, creating a vivid, 3-dimensional mental image of the future you want to design not only energizes you mentally, it also has a powerful effect on your subconscious mind.

Few things will energize you more than reminding yourself of just how much limitless potential your future holds by consciously creating a vivid vision of the future person you desire to become.

Recreating this compelling vision as a daily practice means that you'll be activating The Universal Law of Attraction, and you'll find yourself automatically being "pulled" towards the future vision you've created.

( Listen to my free audio "Everything You Need To Know About The Law of Attraction in under 5 Minutes" here )

Instant Energizer: Take 20 minutes before you turn in for the night and listen to a guided meditation that's in line with the possibility and vision you'd like to invent for yourself. You can literally find thousands of guided meditations online which are geared towards assisting you to create your specific outcome.

Simply Google the phrase "guided meditation" along with a brief description of your goal (example: 'guided meditation to attract soulmate' or 'guided meditation to attract abundance')

A few of my favorite meditations can be found on Sarah Hall's YouTube Channel, including several that I've shared with clients over the years. I tell everyone I work with that until they make creative visualization a daily practice, they're just wishing and hoping when they could be consciously creating.

Secret #6. Vanquish The Energy Vampires From Your Life

Not sure who the energy vampires are in your life? Here's a quick definition: They're the family member, friend or co-worker who drags you down, leaves you feeling angry, deflated and almost always drained of energy.

They're part of relationships that are unsupportive and unrewarding.

The damage done by these vampires goes far beyond just draining your vital energy and leaving you feeling depleted. Their negativity, critical demeanor and self-absorbed nature also have a profound subconscious effect that goes almost entirely unnoticed.

The famous Framingham Study found that we become the sum total of the 5 people we spend the most time with. That means that if your goal is to become a more attractive and charismatic person, you're essentially being subconsciously sabotaged every time you expose yourself to one of these toxic types.

And keep in mind that energy vampires don't just come in one variety ... Be wary of the less obvious ones as well. This "covert" variety of vampire can be every bit as depleting as the first type.

These are the types who will cross every boundary imaginable. There is no end to the amount of favors they'll ask for or the amount of time they'll take up. They only care to talk about what's going on in their lives and have little regard for how they can be of value to others.

( In other words, they're the embodiment of what it means to be completely anti-charismatic )

These types of people drain your energy. Lose them. If you cannot expel them entirely (i.e. they happen to be a family member, co-worker, etc.), it's critical that you limit the amount of time that you're exposed to their pernitious influence.

As my friend and fellow coach Luke Havard says, "Who you spend time with is who you become."

Secret #7. Resolve To Give Up Lying For Good 

Developing the habit of telling the truth is unequivocally liberating. Because you're no longer having to waste precious mental energy on remembering which lies and embellishments were told to whom, you're able to create the space for a sense of peace to exist in your life.

( Not to mention the obvious fact that you'll be far less stressed )

Having nothing to hide, nothing to explain, nothing to validate or justify and - most importantly -  nothing to fear will undoubtedly make you a much more authentic and charismatic person.

Resolve to rid your life of the lies about how magnificent, athletic, lucky, or amazing you are. Imperfection is part of being human, and it's far better to be known as someone who's imperfect than someone who's too weak to admit to or change their imperfections.

Instant Energizer: Make it a New Year's Resolution to let go of any lies, exaggerations or embellishments you might have previously been tangled up in. Having the courage to stand in your truth will unequivocally liberate you. You'll also be surprised at how much better you sleep with no lies on your conscience.

Secret #8. Perform a Random Act of Kindness

If you're like me, you become absolutely energized when you do something kind for someone else. After having gotten to know many of my readers and clients over the years, I can comfortably say that they're some of the kindest people on the planet.

Studies over the years have discovered that it's not just the giver and the receiver that benefit from a random act of kindness. Incredibly, researchers have found that anyone who happens to witness the act becomes equally energized and uplifted, as well!

( But wait, there's more ... ) 

Although it seems totally counter-intuitive, social scientists have discovered that it's the moments when you're feeling down that doing something kind for someone else becomes the most uplifting thing that you can do for yourself ...

As Ashton Kutcher famously said, "The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart. And being thoughtful. And being generous ... Everything else is crap, I promise you."

Making the commitment to become a more charismatic person is an act of kindness in and of itself. - Whether they're uplifting others with a clever compliment or just believing in someone who doesn't believe in themselves, charismatic people are the types who are unequivocally the most pleasant and energizing to be around.

Now it's your turn - What energizing habits, rituals or practices do you use in your own life?  Be sure to share your knowledge with our readers in the comment section below or email me at petesapper@dumpyourtherapist.com and tell me about your favorite energy-boosting methods.

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How To Make The Perfect First Impression

Demi Lovato - 2015

You never get a second chance to make a great first impression.

That's because within seconds of meeting you, people will have judged your social status, your level of education, and even your potential for success.

Within just 2-3 minutes, they've also decided on your levels of intelligence, your trustworthiness and your overall degree of competence. And although these evaluations happen in an instant, their effects can last for years, or decades - even a lifetime.

Behavioral research has proven that once we‘ve made a judgment about someone, everything we see and hear from then on gets filtered through this initial impression. So it goes without saying that if you're looking to make a charismatic first impression, you had better get it right the first time.

In this article, you'll learn:

+ The Science Behind First Impressions
+ Why First Impressions Are So Powerful
+ How To Make Yourself Unforgettable To Everyone You Meet
+ How To Master the Art of Clever Compliments

The Science Behind First Impressions

Perhaps the biggest reason that first impressions have such an impact is that they're often actually right. In fact, several notable studies have confirmed that we humans have evolved to be pretty accurate in our perceptions of someone's personality - even after meeting them for only a few seconds.

In psychology, it's called the Primacy Effect. This is the condition by which your first impression about someone (or something) causes you to interpret their future behavior in a way that is wholly consistent with your first impression.

These compelling findings were the basis for Malcolm Gladwell’s popular book, Blink, which summarized much of the research.

In one study conducted at the University of Texas at Austin, people were able to judge a person's personality traits - including openness, agreeableness, emotional stability, self-esteem, loneliness, and even political orientation - with 90% accuracy just by looking at a single snapshot!

That's because first impressions are generated by the fastest part of the brain, which is also the most primitive. This 'reptilian brain' may have been a key to our ancestors‘ survival in hunter-gatherer times, when we often had only a split second to determine whether shapes entering our field of vision were friend or foe. 

Today, even in sophisticated business settings, we still operate on hunter-gatherer survival instincts. Many CEOs and human resource professionals will openly admit that they decide whether they‘ll hire a job applicant within the first few seconds of the interview.  As one hiring manager said, 'The rest of the interview is just window dressing.'

How To Use The Power Of First Impressions To Your Advantage 

The good news is that there's a simple skill that almost anyone can learn to virtually guarantee a positive first impression. And nearly 3 years of comprehensive research on the topic of charisma has lead me right back to the same technique I used over a decade ago.

Looking back on my career working in some of Chicago's busiest nightclubs, I can pretty much say that of all my trade secrets, the most powerful was also the most simple:

Between 11pm and 1am, I'd make it a nightly ritual to tour the venue and offer sincere praise to every woman in attendance.

That's right - I said every one of them. 

That meant that if there were 300 women in the venue, I'd make it a point to hand out 300 unique, sincere compliments a night. Every night.

(As you can imagine, I got pretty damn good at it)

This nightly ritual not only guaranteed that the women who came to our events always left with a  positive experience, it also guaranteed that they'd be back for more the following week.

Female customers are the life-blood of any nightclub's success, and it was no accident that our promotional company quickly earned a reputation for always bringing out the city's most beautiful women.

How To Make Yourself Unforgettable: The Power of Authentic Praise 

According to body language expert Allan Pease, complimenting someone you meet for the first time means that they'll actually remember you as being taller, thinner and younger than you actually are! 'So forget about diets', says Pease. 'Just learn how to give compliments!'

Allan Pease

The power of genuine appreciation is no less potent today than it was 80 years ago when Dale Carnegie wrote one of the most legendary books of all time, 'How To Win Friends and Influence People'.

Norihiro Sadato, professor at the National Institute for Physiological Sciences in Japan adds 'Our research has shown that the same area of the brain affected in this study, the striatum, is activated when a person is rewarded a compliment or cash.'

This crazy but true statistic has been proven in numerous studies over the past decade, and yes - I still make it an automatic habit to offer sincere praise to everyone I meet. It's a virtually guaranteed means of always making an unforgettable first impression.

(For more: See My Article on the 6 Qualities of Highly Charismatic People)

How To Master the Art of Clever Compliments

The goal of any aspiring charismatic should be to leave everyone you encounter with two things: A positive impression of you, and more importantly - a positive feeling about themselves.

One secret I use for giving the perfect compliment is to be sure that it's uniquely tailored to the individual. I'll do this by simply observing what it is that the recipient already wants to be complimented on.

 + Did the person make it a point to show up in a custom-fit suit?
 + Did they just have their hair or nails done?
 + Are they wearing accessories that perfectly compliment their attire?

HELLO ... These little nuances are hardly an accident!  

Humans beings are hard-wired to appreciate people who notice and appreciate them. So tell people what they did right. Then tell them why you appreciate them for it.

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The 6 Qualities of Charismatic People

george clooney 2015

Webster's dictionary defines the word charisma as 'Compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others.' It then goes on to offer a second definition of the word: 'A divinely conferred power or talent.'

Well then, I'm certainly glad we got that all cleared up.

For the handful of people who actually understand charisma - what it means, and more importantly, the unmistakable advantages it confers - one thing is certain:

What makes charisma so rare and elusive is that its very essence is rooted in a near-complete reversal of the way most of us are programmed to behave.

In this article, I've isolated six key qualities that make up charisma in all its forms.

First, I'll describe each key quality in its purest form. Then, I'll offer you specific insight on how you can apply the principles of each of these qualities of charismatic masters in your own life.

Quality #1: Charismatic People Have a Powerful, Other-Worldy Presence

Study charismatic masters as disparate as Marilyn Monroe and the Dalai Lama, and what you'll notice is that they all have this in common. A magnetic, almost other-worldly presence.

Now here's where the reversal of common patterns of behavior comes in. Most of us have been fooled into believing that presence is something we have.

It's not. Presence is something we give.

So what makes presence such an elusive quality in human beings? The answer is two-fold.

First, the human brain evolved over millions of years with one prime directive in mind - survival. That essentially means that our brains are hard-wired for distraction; Constantly scanning the environment for - and then locking onto - novel stimuli. After all, a few thousand years ago, those novel stimuli were often a warning that something was about to eat us.

Second, our society and culture encourage distraction. In their book 'Positioning' authors Al Ries and Jack Trout proclaim that 'we're living in history's first over-communicated society'.

That was in 1981 ... Decades before Facebook, Twitter and Smartphones!

With so much distraction in the environment, and a brain that's hard-wired to be highly distractable, is it any wonder why we feel so disconnected (even from the people sitting across the dinner table)?

Instant Charisma Tip: The very next time you‘re in a conversation, try to regularly check whether your mind is fully engaged or whether it is wandering elsewhere (including preparing your next sentence). Aim to bring yourself back to the present moment as often as you can by focusing on your toes for just a second, and then get back to focusing on the other person (This simple technique works wonders!).

Quality #2: Charismatic People are Externally Focused Most of the Time

This quality is an absolute pillar of charismatic masters. While the majority of us scramble throughout the rat-race of life trying to become the center of attention - constantly obsessed with the way we're perceived by others, the charismatic master overcomes this internally-focused sense of insecurity by becoming purely focused on others.

Charismatic masters make everyone feel like the most important person in the room.

In 5 years of researching charisma, one name would come up again and again whenever the topic of presence was raised - that of former President Bill Clinton.

It's been said that Clinton's charismatic presence - communicated primarily by his eye contact and body language - was so powerful that it made anyone he addressed feel like they were the only person in the room.

In her book, 'The Charisma Myth', Olivia Fox breaks down Clinton's style of 'Focus Charisma', noting the essential role that eye contact plays in conveying a powerful sense of magnetism.

When it comes to Charisma - The Eyes Have It

Eye contact is one of the main ways charismatic masters make you feel that you are the most important person in the room. Profound eye contact can communicate empathy and give an impression of thoughtfulness, wisdom, and intelligence. You simply cannot be charismatic without it.

Instant Charisma Tip: Two of the most common eye-contact issues people have are lack of eye contact due to shyness and lack of eye contact due to distraction. Either one can ruin your charisma potential, so practice holding eye contact with people longer. Start with your friends. Then start giving more eye contact to strangers. Do this for just a few weeks, and you'll have created a new habit that will skyrocket your magnetic potential.

Note: If you're a man meeting eyes with a woman, always try to let her look away before you do (This one will be very tough at first - but trust me - stick with it, and the rewards will be immense).

Quality #3: Charismatic People Are The World's Greatest Listeners

Charismatic masters - no matter their background - are bound by this simple pretext: They're the world's greatest listeners. And why would a modern charismatic be so adept at the lost art of listening?

Because believe it or not - listening is all it takes to show the other person they're important.

Always do at least 80% of the listening

Make a committed effort to listen at least 70-80% more than you speak. When you do speak, never offer advice unless you're asked. Listening shows you care a lot more than offering advice, because in most cases, offering advice ends up making the conversation about you, not them.

Only speak when you have something important to say - and always define 'important' as what matters to the other person, not to you.

Hold that thought - even if it kills you

Good listeners know never, ever to interrupt - not even if the impulse to do so comes from excitement about something the other person just said. No matter how congratulatory and warm your input, it will always result in their feeling at least a hint of resentment or frustration at not having been allowed to complete their sentence.

Instant Charisma Tip: Master listeners know one simple but extraordinarily effective trick that will make people feel truly listened to and understood: they pause before they answer. Considered a key tool in negotiation, pausing can also play a wonderful role in making people feel good about themselves when they‘re around you - it‘s an easy way to make people feel intelligent, interesting, and even impressive.

Quality #4: Charismatic People Express a Total Acceptance of Others

In his 2001 classic 'The Art of Seduction', Robert Greene uncovers some timeless secrets of Studio-Era Hollywood's most charismatic personalities. Not least of whom was the great Errol Flynn - who despite having been accused of endless debauchery and womanizing - still managed to maintain his saintly aura in the eyes of women the world over.

His secret, according to Greene, was his amoral outlook on life. This meant that Flynn accepted every woman in his life unconditionally and without judgement. In an era where women fell under constant scrutiny, this simple quality worked some serious magic in terms of making him magnetic to others.

Instant Charisma Tip: One simple way to guarantee that you're the kind of person that people love to be around is to become the kind of charismatic master who accepts everyone as they are.

This accomplishes two remarkable things: First, the people you meet will feel instantly bonded to you as their emotional shelter in an endlessly critical world. Second, your ability to accept others exactly as they are empowers you to have the kind of influence over others that they'd never be willing to offer to someone that makes them feel wrong.

It is a universal desire of all humans to be both unconditionally accepted and understood. Being a charismatic master means you become one of the rare people that allows others feel safe enough to be themselves.

Quality #5: Charismatic People Praise Others Early and Often

While I can't claim to have ever been a natural at the all around game of charisma, I can honestly lay claim to getting this one right. As an event planner/promoter in some of Chicago's busiest nightclubs, this was one of my best trade secrets.

(Discover my 'Instant Charisma' technique to become the most unforgettable person in the room here)

As body language expert Allan Pease noted, upon meeting someone for the first time, offering them a sincere compliment meant that they'd actually remember you as taller, thinner and younger!

This crazy but true statistic has been proven in numerous studies since, and yes - I still make it an automatic habit to offer sincere praise to everyone I meet. It's a virtually guaranteed means of always making an unforgettable first impression.

Instant Charisma Tip: You can dramatically increase your charisma IQ by learning the right way to give a compliment. You do this by simply observing what it is that they already want to be complimented on. (Learn my 'clever compliment' technique here).

Quality #6: Charismatic People Have an Unwavering Sense of Purpose

One quality that can truly make someone magnetic is the genuine ability to detach one's self from the opinions of others. The only way a creature as socially-calibrated as a human being accomplishes such a feat is through an unwavering sense of purpose.

Charismatic masters carry around an unmistakable passion for life. 

Whether they are saviors or troublemakers, they radiate a passion that triggers powerful emotions in those around them. Even in seemingly negative emotions like anger, they make people feel compelled to join their cause. They also exude an obvious pleasure in life experiences, all the while inviting others to share in the experience they're having.

Instant Charisma Tip: You can enhance your charisma by sharing what you're truly passionate about with the people around you. People who are vision-inspired and purpose-driven are magnetic to others because they understand that while no one gives a damn about your goals, everyone is yearning to be part of a vision. 

Maximize Your Own Magnetic Potential: Practice Makes Perfect

Maximizing your own charismatic presence is going to come down to a delicate balance between being true to your own nature and stretching out of your usual comfort zones. As you practice cultivating these six qualities, they will gradually become a part of who you, eventually becoming what we at Charisma Inc. call your natural, effortless way of being in the world.

If you're ready to maximize your magnetic potential and learn the secrets of being truly influential with other people, click here to schedule a consultation with one of our executive coaches.

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The 6 Most Common Charisma Killers

justin bieber funny

Charisma. Even after 3 years of researching the topic, I'm still taken aback by just how thoroughly fascinated everyone I meet is about the subject.

And when I let people in on the little-known secret that charisma is actually a set of skills that anyone can learn, that's when they really start to pay attention.

The avalanche of questions that follows usually starts like this: 'So what do I need to start doing to be charismatic?'

Naturally, they're surprised when I tell them that becoming a more charismatic person actually starts with the things they need to stop doing.

In this article, I've outlined out the 6 most common charisma-killing mistakes I see people making when working with them. You'll learn what behaviors to avoid at all costs, and how doing so can virtually triple your charisma overnight.

The Six Most Common Charisma Killers Are (In No Particular Order):

Charisma Killer #1: You Think Charisma's All About Your Ability To Impress People

Ask any expert on the topic of charisma who they think might be the most charismatic politician of all time, and 9 of 10 will tell you it was this guy: Benjamin Disraeli.

Case in point: In the summer of 1886, Disraeli was facing William Gladstone for the position of Prime Minister of England.

When reporters covering the heated election discovered that both men had happened to take the same young woman out to dinner, their curiosity compelled them to interview her about which candidate had impressed her the most.

She responded, 'After dining with Mr. Gladstone, I felt like he was the most fascinating person in England. But after dining with Mr. Disraeli, I felt like I was the most fascinating person in England.'

Guess who won the election. It was the man who made others feel impressive and fascinating.

Moral of the Story: If you want to dramatically boost your attractor factor, take a hint from Prime Minister Disraeli. Stop trying to impress the people you meet, and start letting them impress you instead.

Charisma Killer #2: You Can't Get Out of You Own Head

Those who coach the art of charisma know that presence is the single most requested skill we're called upon to teach top performers.

That's because presence - having a moment-to-moment awareness of what‘s happening (rather than being stuck in your head) - is a commodity so rare that it's hardly ever seen in today's distraction-filled culture.

Now consider the fact that our brains are essentially hard-wired to be easily distracted, and you can see why having the ability to offer others your undivided presence is always guaranteed to multiply your magnetic potential.

Case in point: Former President Bill Clinton is said to have a presence so powerful, it makes everyone he addresses feel like they're the only person in the room.

Even Clinton's staunchest opponents have admitted, 'Bill Clinton - I hated him before I met him; I hated him after I met him; But while I met him ... I absolutely loved the man!'

(Read my article about having a charismatic presence with women here)

Moral of the Story: Being present - paying attention to what‘s going on rather than being caught up in your thoughts - can yield immense rewards. When you exhibit presence, those around you feel listened to, respected and valued.

Charisma Killer #3: You Interrupt People

Attend any run-of-the-mill seminar on sales, persuasion or becoming a person of influence and you'll be sure to have this lesson on day one - never interrupt the other person.

Case in point: My friend Jill Mirante works with special needs children. She pretty much has the patience of Job. But in spite of all that, she absolutely hates being interrupted when she's speaking.

Know who else hates being interrupted? Everyone on the planet.

Not only does being the kind of person who interrupts people make you supremely obnoxious, but do it enough, and you'll essentially be sending the message that what the other person has to say isn't worth listening to - or hearing.

Moral of the Story: Unless you're the kind of person who enjoys spending lots of time by yourself - you'll stop interrupting people ... immediately.

Charisma Killer #4: You Can't Stop Making Other People Wrong

Of all of the most common barriers to charisma, this one is easily the most seductive.

It's a simple fact that human beings love to be right.

And decades of behavioral research have proven that once we make up our minds about a person, we'll go out of our way to prove ourselves right (This explains why first impressions are so powerful).

(See my article on how to guarantee a great first impression here)

Case in point: When I first met Aaron Rubacalba , he was everything I expected a successful 24 year-old sales professional to be. He wasn't just extremely likable, he also resonated the kind of positive energy that fed great vibes to everyone around him.

Unfortunately, Aaron's glaring achilles heel was that whenever he felt like someone had wronged him on the job, he'd end up taking it personally ... and it showed.

His usual friendly and upbeat demeanor would give way to a sad little scowl and a dismal vibe that felt like it might actually drain you if you were standing too close.

It wasn't long before this habit had gotten him reprimanded for arguing with a fellow employee. He'd even been sent home early - an extremely rare occurrence among top sales performers.

So how did I bring the old Aaron back? By simply making him aware of what needing to be right - (and make someone else wrong) - was costing him.

"Tell me something Aaron ... Would you rather be right, or would you rather be rich?"

A huge smile flashed across his face. 'Rich, Petey. I'd rather be Rich!'

Moral of the story: In 1936 Dale Carnegie first espoused the timeless wisdom: 'Never tell the other person that they're wrong'. Like I explain in this video, avoiding the powerful impulse of needing to be right, or worse - needing to make someone else wrong - is an essential component in enhancing your charisma.

(For my simple 3-step process on how to break the habit of making other people wrong, click here).

Charisma Killer #5: You're Still Too Afraid To Be Yourself

Let's be honest - we live in an culture where everyone and their mother is all about the business of 'looking good'. The only problem with such a pursuit is that it often comes at the expense of us being our most authentic selves. Taken too far, we can end up looking downright inauthentic - an absolute killer when it comes to charisma.

Case in point: UFC women's bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey is a supremely outspoken chick who will always say exactly what's on her mind (no matter how many people it offends).

But as abrasive as Ronda can be, she's never bothered trying to convince the public that she's anything other than who she is.

And while one might think it's hurt her mainstream appeal, the reality has been just the opposite - It's taken her less than 16 months to become the biggest name in the sport of Mixed Martial Arts.

Ronda Rousey has always been - and will always be - a straight shooter who'll tell you exactly what she thinks. Love her or hate her, Ronda Rousey's indisputable charm is deeply rooted in her ability to be exactly who and what she is ... with zero apologies.

Moral of the story: When you‘re perceived as disingenuous, it‘s virtually impossible to generate trust, rapport, or loyalty. And it‘s impossible to be charismatic.

Charisma Killer #6: You Get Seduced Into Negative Gossip

Contrary to popular belief, people who engage in gossip typically do so for relatively harmless reasons. For many people, gossip simply serves as a means by which they connect with others in their circle of influence:

+ To bond with or build rapport among their peers
+ To give the appearance that they're "in the know" among their social circle
+ To vent frustrations or blow off steam

The big problem with being seduced into negative gossip is that it actually ends up having a boomerang effect on the one doing the gossiping!

This little-known psychological phenomenon is known as spontaneous trait transference, and it plays a powerful role in the way we unconsciously form impressions of other people.

Specifically, researchers have found that when someone attributes positive or negative traits to someone else, the listener will often attribute those same traits to the speaker. [1]

Moral of the story: Engaging in negative gossip means you also run the risk of having all of those negative traits you're gossiping about unconsciously linked with you! So follow mom's advice ... If you don't have anything nice to say about someone, keep your mouth shut.

Remember - Your Charismatic Ability is Not Really About You

Understand that charisma is 10% how you make people feel about you, and 90% how you make them feel about themselves.

When it comes to winning friends and influencing people, avoiding these six pervasive pitfalls will put you miles ahead of the game.

If you're ready to maximize your magnetic potential and learn the secrets of being truly influential with other people, click here to schedule a consultation with one of our executive coaches.

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The 7 Habits Of Highly Magnetic People

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Transforming clients from ordinary to extraordinary in their capacity for being magnetic has been my personal passion since 2011.

And one thing I can say with complete confidence is that one's level of personal magnetism isn't nearly as much about their level of charisma as it is about their level of commitment to doing the work that's required in creating this skill set we call charisma.

And by work, I mean practice. 

Because the magnetic people we admire for their seemingly effortless manner of social grace didn't get that way by accident. No. Never. Not.

The truth about magnetic people is that they've learned how to connect powerfully with others - either through life experience, by modeling other magnetic people, or in the case of our clients - by having practiced the skills over and over in real-time, and with real people - until the behaviors have literally become the person's natural way of being.

The Seven Habits Of Magnetic People - From Principle To Practice

In a study conducted at UCLA, subjects rated over 500 adjectives based on their perceived magnetic potential. The top-rated adjectives had nothing to do with being gregarious, intelligent, or attractive - all innate characteristics that make up someone's natural character. Instead, the top adjectives were sincerity, transparency, and capacity for understanding others.

Now let's unpack those adjectives and distill them down to the habits that all highly magnetic people have in common.

Habit #1: Magnetic People Shine The Spotlight On Others.

Examine anyone who's truly a person of influence and affluence and here's what you'll discover: They don't give a damn about being the center of attention.

People have a natural aversion to those who seem desperate for attention. You don’t need to develop a big, extroverted personality to become powerfully magnetic. In fact, quite the opposite is true.

Attractive People Are Interested. Unattractive People Are Interesting.

Consider Dale Carnegie's timeless wisdom that "You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

When you become genuinely interested in others and are present enough to notice what's interesting about them, it's amazing just how attractive you suddenly become.

Instant Charisma Tip: Need more motivation than just becoming a charismatic leader to become genuinely interested in others? The emerging field of Positive Psychology has continually shown that the more we concentrate on ourselves, the more depressed and anxious we feel. Conversely, it's almost impossible to feel lousy when we focus outward - and specifically on the value we can add to the lives of others. As Ghandi said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in (the service of) others."

(Learn more about how to create a powerful presence here).

Habit #2. Magnetic People Ask The Right Questions.

The biggest mistake people make when it comes to their way of being with others is that they’re so focused on what they’re going to say next that they completely fail to hear what’s being said. What's worse is that what they're usually preparing to say next is something about themselves!

And the lousy advice you'll read from other communication "experts" sounds like this - "Just ask lots of questions to show your interest!" But if that's the only trick in your bag, you're likely to run the risk of sounding like a private investigator, or worse - asking questions that have no relevance to what matters to the other person.

Arouse An Eager Want By Asking The Right Questions.

One timeless Carnegie Principle sounds like this: "Arouse in the other an eager want".  Pretty much the opposite of what most people do, since what they're mostly interested in is talking about what they want.

But arousing in others an eager want means that it's far more important for us to ask the right questions - like the kind of questions the other person actually wants to answer.

You’ll be surprised how much respect and appreciation you'll gain just by asking the right questions.


Habit #3. Magnetic People Are Genuine People.

If you've ever been through one of our coaching programs, you've no doubt marveled at the very 'involved' manner in which we screen clients. You see, we know there are certain people we're not necessarily interested in working with - mainly because they're in it for the wrong reason.

People who are in it for the wrong reason are people who are motivated by trying to 'get' something FROM the world rather than bringing their intrinsic value TO the world. The only way to reverse that 'all about me' paradigm is to have the courage to confront it in the first place. That requires that we be genuine - first with ourselves, then with others.

And as I've mentioned in my other articles on maximizing magnetic potential, being genuine is essential to being charismatic.

No one likes a fake. People gravitate toward those who are authentic because they realize they can trust them. It is difficult to like someone when you don’t know who they really are and how they really feel.

Being something you're not and doing things you'd rather not just to make others happy accomplishes nothing but creating resentment in you (usually manifesting in passive-aggressive behavior) and suspicion about your real motives in others.

So do everyone a favor and ditch the mask. Like Oscar Wilde said, "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken."

Habit #4. Magnetic People Make Great Listeners.

If you want to maximize your magnetic potential, you must be open-minded. Nothing will murder your magnetic potential faster than coming off as the kind of critical person who's always judging others. Moreover, any power you may have had to influence other people evaporates the moment they sense your critical nature.

(And trust me, they always sense it.)

The most powerful way to eliminate the habit of being critical of others is to develop the practice of viewing the world through the eyes of others. This doesn’t mean you believe what they believe or even that you condone their behavior, it simply means you give up on passing judgment long enough to truly understand that person.

Instant Charisma Tip: If you've fallen into the habit of being a critical person, it's a sure sign that the person you've been hardest on is yourself. Learning and practicing the art of self-compassion is the essential gateway to giving up the confidence-crushing compulsion to brutalize yourself.

Practice being gentle with yourself first, and I promise - you'll see miracles unfold in your ability to accept others without judgement.

(Learn My Three-Step Process For Eliminating The Habit Of Being Critical Here.)

Habit #5. Magnetic People Make Powerful First Impressions.

In my article on first impressions, I revealed the fact that most people will decide whether or not they like you within the first seconds of meeting you. They then spend the rest of the time mentally rationalizing that initial emotional reaction.

This may sound terrifying to someone who's been unaware of the enormous power of first impressions, but by knowing this you can take advantage of it to make huge gains in your magnetic potential from here on out.

Since I've already covered the science of making the perfect first impression in a previous article, I'll refrain from going into detail again.

Read my article on mastering first impressions here
, (And read Malcolm Gladwell's best-seller "Blink" if you're as fascinated by the power of first impressions as I am).

Habit #6. Magnetic People Know The Power of a Person's Name.

Your name is an essential part of your identity, and admit it - it feels terrific when people use it. Magnetic masters make a point of learning - and using - other people's names every time they see them.

And not for nothing. In his legendary book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People', Dale Carnegie famously noted that a person's name is the sweetest sound to their ears.

Decades later, behavioral research has proven that people feel validated when the person they’re speaking with refers to them by name - both in greeting and during conversation.

If you’re great with faces but have trouble with names, have some fun with it and make remembering people’s names a brain exercise. When you meet someone, don’t be afraid to ask their name a second time or ask them how to spell it if you forget it right after you hear it.

Habit #7. Magnetic People Recognize That Vulnerability Is Strength.

In recent years, researcher Brené Brown has brought the power of vulnerability into sharp focus. But countless charismatic masters have long known that displaying vulnerability is actually a means of demonstrating ultimate strength.

I'll go into great detail on the right way (and wrong way) to use vulnerability as a powerful way to connect with anyone in my upcoming articles, but for the time being be wary to avoid sharing personal problems and intimate confessions too quickly as this might get you labeled as a whiner or complainer. And if you've read my other articles on being a person of influence, you know that few things will kill your magnetic potential faster than sounding like a victim.

Remember - magnetic people always let others take the lead in determining when it’s the right time to open up and share on a deeper level. Letting them decide when they feel safe enough will go a long way in showing up like someone they can trust. 

The Seven Habits Of Magnetic People - Putting It All Together

It's no secret that magnetic people are invaluable, unforgettable and totally unique. They network with ease, promote harmony in the workplace, bring out the best in everyone around them, and generally seem to get the most out of life.

My simple promise is this: If you'll practice these 7 habits until they define your automatic way of being in the world, your magnetic potential will soar to levels you'd never previously imagined! If you're committed to creating the habits of being highly magnetic now, click here to get started with a free 30 minute consultation.

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