• Nikki Bella 2015

How To Stop Caring What People Think

Lucy Liu - Not giving a fuck what they think

Back in January, author Mark Manson wrote a delightful article - probably my favorite of his so far.

It was aptly titled "THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A F*CK".

It started with this paragraph:

"In my life, I have given a f*ck about many people and many things. I have also not given a f*ck about many people and many things. And those f*cks I have not given have made all the difference."

Now look, there are literally a thousand blog posts out there that cover this topic.

As well there should be.

Because this whole "caring way too much what other people think" bullsh*t has frozen more talented people in their tracks than anything else I can possibly imagine.

Worse yet, this whole addiction to what people think is completely toxic to your magnetic potential. I mean it literally murders your ability to be a charismatic and influential individual.

Let me say that again: There is absolutely NO WAY IN HELL you can be charismatic, influential or respected when you're so inwardly-focused and obsessed with how other people see you that you haven't got so much as an ounce of present-moment awareness to offer anyone else.

(And if you've read my other articles on maximizing your magnetic potential, you know that presence and outward focus are THE most essential qualities of a charismatic individual).

So how do we get over this exhausting nonsense that's costing us our freedom, joy, aliveness and ability to truly enjoy life?

Here are three simple mindsets that will help you break the chains of slavery for good. Right here, right now.

MINDSET 1. You accept the reality that whether you're the loser who sits on his ass playing X-Box 360 all day long, or you end up winning the Nobel Peace Prize for curing cancer - you're going to be criticized anyhow.

I am sorry, but there is just no way around it.

Human beings are far too fallible, emotionally fragile and unconsciously habitual to NOT criticize every Tom, Dick and Harry on the planet - even when doing so makes them feel cheap and dirty for their trouble.

That's simple human nature.

So it's best to get over any fantasy you might have conjured up once upon a time about somehow being able to make it through life without being judged - Especially if you plan on doing something with your life that actually makes a difference.

Brené Brown put it like this: "If you intend to accomplish anything of value in this lifetime, you had better be ready to have your ass kicked. Because the critics are going to literally be coming out of the woodwork to attack you."

Of course, if what you're trying to accomplish really matters to you, there's a high probability that you won't give much of a f*ck what anyone has to say about it, anyway.

MINDSET 2: You recognize that the vast majority of people who are hurling insults and criticism at you are just giving you a glimpse of their own inner world - like what's really going on with them.

(Don't worry - I'm not going to launch into a Jungian rant here on the phenomenon of psychological projection, mainly because the people who read my articles are damn well educated enough to know exactly what I'm talking about here).

If you do happen to need a quick refresher course on how little other people's words, actions and beliefs actually have to do with you, pick up Don Miguel Ruiz's book 'The Four Agreements' and let's call it a day.

MINDSET 3: You realize that if no one is attacking or criticizing you, then you've probably got a hell of a lot in common with the X-Box junkie I mentioned earlier ....

In other words, it's probably time for you to get a f*cking life and start making something happen for yourself already.

And I also mean to advise you to f*ck playing it safe. That means you PLAY FULL OUT and throw your fear of "offending" anyone right out the f*cking window.

Like Sally Hogshead wrote in her book 'Fascinate', "If you’re not generating a negative response from someone, then you’re probably not fascinating to anyone."

Massive 'Ah-ha' moment in progress - Wait for it ...

Years ago, I built my entire nightlife company on that single premise. See, I noticed something crazy and paradoxical about the way human beings operate ....

The less you gave a f*ck about what they thought of you, the more likely they were to actually like and respect you.

And that's exactly why the addiction to what people think is so completely insane. It's a thoroughly self-defeating strategy.

Because for every ounce of effort you put into gaining validation, acceptance and approval, you actually end up losing ground with the same people you're trying to win over in the first place!

So look ... It's crazy.

It's exhausting. It drains your self esteem and self respect. And you know it.

Eleanor Roosevelt said it like this: "Do in your heart what you know to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway."

I love you guys,

One of Coco Chanel's most famous quotes is also her most misunderstood.Coco said, “I don't care what you think about...

Posted by Pete Sapper on Monday, August 31, 2015

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The 7 Habits Of Highly Magnetic People

cara delevingne

Transforming clients from ordinary to extraordinary in their capacity for being magnetic has been my personal passion since 2011.

And one thing I can say with complete confidence is that one's level of personal magnetism isn't nearly as much about their level of charisma as it is about their level of commitment to doing the work that's required in creating this skill set we call charisma.

And by work, I mean practice. 

Because the magnetic people we admire for their seemingly effortless manner of social grace didn't get that way by accident. No. Never. Not.

The truth about magnetic people is that they've learned how to connect powerfully with others - either through life experience, by modeling other magnetic people, or in the case of our clients - by having practiced the skills over and over in real-time, and with real people - until the behaviors have literally become the person's natural self expression or what we call 'their natural way of being in the world'.

The Seven Habits Of Magnetic People - From Principle To Practice

In a study conducted at UCLA, subjects rated over 500 adjectives based on their perceived magnetic potential. The top-rated adjectives had nothing to do with being gregarious, intelligent, or attractive - all innate characteristics that make up someone's natural character. Instead, the top adjectives were sincerity, transparency, and capacity for understanding others.

Now let's unpack those adjectives and distill them down to the habits that all highly magnetic people have in common.

Habit #1: Magnetic People Shine The Spotlight On Others.

Examine anyone who's truly a person of influence and affluence and here's what you'll discover: They don't give a damn about being the center of attention.

People have a natural aversion to those who seem desperate for attention. You don’t need to develop a big, extroverted personality to become powerfully magnetic. In fact, quite the opposite is true.

Attractive People Are Interested. Unattractive People Are Interesting.

Consider Dale Carnegie's timeless wisdom that "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

When you become genuinely interested in others and are present enough to notice what's interesting about them, it's amazing just how attractive you suddenly become.

Instant Charisma Tip: Need more motivation than just becoming a charismatic leader to become genuinely interested in others? The emerging field of Positive Psychology has continually shown that the more we concentrate on ourselves, the more depressed and anxious we feel. Conversely, it's almost impossible to feel lousy when we focus outward - and specifically on the value we can add to the lives of others. As Ghandi said, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in (the service of) others."

(Learn more about how to create a powerful presence here).

Habit #2. Magnetic People Ask The Right Questions.

The biggest mistake people make when it comes to their way of being with others is that they’re so focused on what they’re going to say next that they completely fail to hear what’s being said. What's worse is that what they're usually preparing to say next is something about themselves!

And the lousy advice you'll read from other communication "experts" sounds like this - "Just ask lots of questions to show your interest!" But if that's the only trick in your bag, you're likely to run the risk of sounding like a private investigator, or worse - asking questions that have no relevance to what matters to the other person.

Arouse An Eager Want By Asking The Right Questions.

One timeless Carnegie Principle sounds like this: "Arouse in the other an eager want".  Pretty much the opposite of what most people do, since what they're mostly interested in is talking about what they want.

But arousing in others an eager want means that it's far more important for us to ask the right questions - like the kind of questions the other person actually wants to answer.

You’ll be surprised how much respect and appreciation you'll gain just by asking the right questions.


Habit #3. Magnetic People Are Genuine People.

If you've ever been through one of our coaching programs, you've no doubt marveled at the very 'involved' manner in which we screen clients. You see, we know there are certain people we're not necessarily interested in working with - mainly because they're in it for the wrong reason.

People who are in it for the wrong reason are people who are motivated by trying to 'get' something FROM the world rather than bringing their intrinsic value TO the world. The only way to reverse that 'all about me' paradigm is to have the courage to confront it in the first place. That requires that we be genuine - first with ourselves, then with others.

And as I've mentioned in my other articles on maximizing magnetic potential, being genuine is essential to being charismatic.

No one likes a fake. People gravitate toward those who are authentic because they realize they can trust them. It is difficult to like someone when you don’t know who they really are and how they really feel.

Being something you're not and doing things you'd rather not just to make others happy accomplishes nothing but creating resentment in you (usually manifesting in passive-aggressive behavior) and suspicion about your real motives in others.

So do everyone a favor and ditch the mask. Like Oscar Wilde said, "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken."

Habit #4. Magnetic People Make Great Listeners.

If you want to maximize your magnetic potential, you must be open-minded. Nothing will murder your magnetic potential faster than coming off as the kind of critical person who's always judging others. Moreover, any power you may have had to influence other people evaporates the moment they sense your critical nature.

(And trust me, they always sense it.)

The most powerful way to eliminate the habit of being critical of others is to develop the practice of viewing the world through the eyes of others. This doesn’t mean you believe what they believe or even that you condone their behavior, it simply means you give up on passing judgment long enough to truly understand that person.

Instant Charisma Tip: If you've fallen into the habit of being a critical person, it's a sure sign that the person you've been hardest on is yourself. Learning and practicing the art of self-compassion is the essential gateway to giving up the confidence-crushing compulsion to brutalize yourself. Practice being gentle with yourself first, and I promise - you'll see miracles unfold in your ability to accept others without judgement.

(Learn My Three-Step Process For Eliminating The Habit Of Being Critical Here.)

Habit #5. Magnetic People Make Powerful First Impressions.

In my article on first impressions, I revealed the fact that most people will decide whether or not they like you within the first seconds of meeting you. They then spend the rest of the time mentally rationalizing that initial emotional reaction.

This may sound terrifying to someone who's been unaware of the enormous power of first impressions, but by knowing this you can take advantage of it to make huge gains in your magnetic potential from here on out.

Since I've already covered the science of making the perfect first impression in a previous article, I'll refrain from going into detail again.

Read my article on mastering first impressions here
, (And read Malcolm Gladwell's best-seller "Blink" if you're as fascinated by the power of first impressions as I am).

Habit #6. Magnetic People Know The Power of a Person's Name.

Your name is an essential part of your identity, and admit it - it feels terrific when people use it. Magnetic masters make a point of learning - and using - other people's names every time they see them.

And not for nothing. In his legendary book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People', Dale Carnegie famously noted that a person's name is the sweetest sound to their ears.

Decades later, behavioral research has proven that people feel validated when the person they’re speaking with refers to them by name - both in greeting and during conversation.

If you’re great with faces but have trouble with names, have some fun with it and make remembering people’s names a brain exercise. When you meet someone, don’t be afraid to ask their name a second time or ask them how to spell it if you forget it right after you hear it.

Habit #7. Magnetic People Recognize That Vulnerability Is Strength.

In recent years, researcher Brené Brown has brought the power of vulnerability into sharp focus. But countless charismatic masters have long known that displaying vulnerability is actually a means of demonstrating ultimate strength.

I'll go into great detail on the right way (and wrong way) to use vulnerability as a powerful way to connect with anyone in my upcoming articles, but for the time being be wary to avoid sharing personal problems and intimate confessions too quickly as this might get you labeled as a whiner or complainer. And if you've read my other articles on being a person of influence, you know that few things will kill your magnetic potential faster than sounding like a victim.

Remember - magnetic people always let others take the lead in determining when it’s the right time to open up and share on a deeper level. Letting them decide when they feel safe enough will go a long way in showing up like someone they can trust. 

The Seven Habits Of Magnetic People - Putting It All Together

It's no secret that magnetic people are invaluable, unforgettable and totally unique. They network with ease, promote harmony in the workplace, bring out the best in everyone around them, and generally seem to get the most out of life.

My simple promise is this: If you'll practice these 7 habits until they define your automatic way of being in the world, your magnetic potential will soar to levels you'd never previously imagined! If you're committed to creating the habits of being highly magnetic now, click here to get started with a free 30 minute consultation.

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6 Qualities of Charismatic People

jennifer aniston 2015

Webster's dictionary defines the word charisma as 'Compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others.' It then goes on to offer a second definition of the word: 'A divinely conferred power or talent.'

Well then, I'm certainly glad we got that all cleared up.

For the handful of people who actually understand charisma - what it means, and more importantly, the unmistakable advantages it confers - one thing is certain:

What makes charisma so rare and elusive is that its very essence is rooted in a near-complete reversal of the way most of us are programmed to behave.

In this article, I've isolated six key qualities that make up charisma in all its forms.

First, I'll describe each key quality in its purest form. Then, I'll offer you specific insight on how you can apply the principles of each of these qualities of charismatic masters in your own life.

Quality #1: Charismatic People Have a Powerful, Other-Worldy Presence

Study charismatic masters as disparate as Marilyn Monroe and the Dalai Lama, and what you'll notice is that they all have this in common. A magnetic, almost other-worldly presence.

Now here's where the reversal of common patterns of behavior comes in. Most of us have been fooled into believing that presence is something we have.

It's not. Presence is something we give.

So what makes presence such an elusive quality in human beings? The answer is two-fold.

First, the human brain evolved over millions of years with one prime directive in mind - survival. That essentially means that our brains are hard-wired for distraction; Constantly scanning the environment for - and then locking onto - novel stimuli. After all, a few thousand years ago, those novel stimuli were often a warning that something was about to eat us.

Second, our society and culture encourage distraction. In their book 'Positioning' authors Al Ries and Jack Trout proclaim that 'we're living in history's first over-communicated society'.

That was in 1981 ... Decades before Facebook, Twitter and Smartphones!

With so much distraction in the environment, and a brain that's hard-wired to be highly distractable, is it any wonder why we feel so disconnected (even from the people sitting across the dinner table)?

Instant Charisma Tip: The very next time you‘re in a conversation, try to regularly check whether your mind is fully engaged or whether it is wandering elsewhere (including preparing your next sentence). Aim to bring yourself back to the present moment as often as you can by focusing on your toes for just a second, and then get back to focusing on the other person (This simple technique works wonders!).

Quality #2: Charismatic People are Externally Focused Most of the Time

This quality is an absolute pillar of charismatic masters. While the majority of us scramble throughout the rat-race of life trying to become the center of attention - constantly obsessed with the way we're perceived by others, the charismatic master overcomes this internally-focused sense of insecurity by becoming purely focused on others.

Charismatic masters make everyone feel like the most important person in the room.

In 5 years of researching charisma, one name would come up again and again whenever the topic of presence was raised - that of former President Bill Clinton.

It's been said that Clinton's charismatic presence - communicated primarily by his eye contact and body language - was so powerful that it made anyone he addressed feel like they were the only person in the room.

In her book, 'The Charisma Myth', Olivia Fox breaks down Clinton's style of 'Focus Charisma', noting the essential role that eye contact plays in conveying a powerful sense of magnetism.

When it comes to Charisma - The Eyes Have It

Eye contact is one of the main ways charismatic masters make you feel that you are the most important person in the room. Profound eye contact can communicate empathy and give an impression of thoughtfulness, wisdom, and intelligence. You simply cannot be charismatic without it.

Instant Charisma Tip: Two of the most common eye-contact issues people have are lack of eye contact due to shyness and lack of eye contact due to distraction. Either one can ruin your charisma potential, so practice holding eye contact with people longer. Start with your friends. Then start giving more eye contact to strangers. Do this for just a few weeks, and you'll have created a new habit that will skyrocket your magnetic potential.

Note: If you're a man meeting eyes with a woman, always try to let her look away before you do (This one will be very tough at first - but trust me - stick with it, and the rewards will be immense).

Quality #3: Charismatic People Are The World's Greatest Listeners

Charismatic masters - no matter their background - are bound by this simple pretext: They're the world's greatest listeners. And why would a modern charismatic be so adept at the lost art of listening?

Because believe it or not - listening is all it takes to show the other person they're important.

Always do at least 80% of the listening

Make a committed effort to listen at least 70-80% more than you speak. When you do speak, never offer advice unless you're asked. Listening shows you care a lot more than offering advice, because in most cases, offering advice ends up making the conversation about you, not them.

Only speak when you have something important to say - and always define 'important' as what matters to the other person, not to you.

Hold that thought - even if it kills you

Good listeners know never, ever to interrupt - not even if the impulse to do so comes from excitement about something the other person just said. No matter how congratulatory and warm your input, it will always result in their feeling at least a hint of resentment or frustration at not having been allowed to complete their sentence.

Instant Charisma Tip: Master listeners know one simple but extraordinarily effective trick that will make people feel truly listened to and understood: they pause before they answer. Considered a key tool in negotiation, pausing can also play a wonderful role in making people feel good about themselves when they‘re around you - it‘s an easy way to make people feel intelligent, interesting, and even impressive.

Quality #4: Charismatic People Express a Total Acceptance of Others

In his 2001 classic 'The Art of Seduction', Robert Greene uncovers some timeless secrets of Studio-Era Hollywood's most charismatic personalities. Not least of whom was the great Errol Flynn - who despite having been accused of endless debauchery and womanizing - still managed to maintain his saintly aura in the eyes of women the world over.

His secret, according to Greene, was his amoral outlook on life. This meant that Flynn accepted every woman in his life unconditionally and without judgement. In an era where women fell under constant scrutiny, this simple quality worked some serious magic in terms of making him magnetic to others.

Instant Charisma Tip: One simple way to guarantee that you're the kind of person that people love to be around is to become the kind of charismatic master who accepts everyone as they are.

This accomplishes two remarkable things: First, the people you meet will feel instantly bonded to you as their emotional shelter in an endlessly critical world. Second, your ability to accept others exactly as they are empowers you to have the kind of influence over others that they'd never be willing to offer to someone that makes them feel wrong.

It is a universal desire of all humans to be both unconditionally accepted and understood. Being a charismatic master means you become one of the rare people that allows others feel safe enough to be themselves.

Quality #5: Charismatic People Praise Others Early and Often

While I can't claim to have ever been a natural at the all around game of charisma, I can honestly lay claim to getting this one right. As an event planner/promoter in some of Chicago's busiest nightclubs, this was one of my best trade secrets.

(Discover my 'Instant Charisma' technique to become the most unforgettable person in the room here)

As body language expert Allan Pease noted, upon meeting someone for the first time, offering them a sincere compliment meant that they'd actually remember you as taller, thinner and younger!

This crazy but true statistic has been proven in numerous studies since, and yes - I still make it an automatic habit to offer sincere praise to everyone I meet. It's a virtually guaranteed means of always making an unforgettable first impression.

Instant Charisma Tip: You can dramatically increase your charisma IQ by learning the right way to give a compliment. You do this by simply observing what it is that they already want to be complimented on. (Learn my 'clever compliment' technique here).

Quality #6: Charismatic People Have an Unwavering Sense of Purpose

One quality that can truly make someone magnetic is the genuine ability to detach one's self from the opinions of others. The only way a creature as socially-calibrated as a human being accomplishes such a feat is through an unwavering sense of purpose.

Charismatic masters carry around an unmistakable passion for life. 

Whether they are saviors or troublemakers, they radiate a passion that triggers powerful emotions in those around them. Even in seemingly negative emotions like anger, they make people feel compelled to join their cause. They also exude an obvious pleasure in life experiences, all the while inviting others to share in the experience they're having.

Instant Charisma Tip: You can enhance your charisma by sharing what you're truly passionate about with the people around you. People who are vision-inspired and purpose-driven are magnetic to others because they understand that while no one gives a damn about your goals, everyone is yearning to be part of a vision. 

Maximize Your Own Magnetic Potential: Practice Makes Perfect

Maximizing your own charismatic presence is going to come down to a delicate balance between being true to your own nature and stretching out of your usual comfort zones. As you practice cultivating these six qualities, they will gradually become a part of who you, eventually becoming what we at Charisma Inc. call your natural, effortless way of being in the world.

If you're ready to maximize your magnetic potential and learn the secrets of being truly influential with other people, click here to schedule a consultation with one of our executive coaches.

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How To Make The Perfect First Impression

demi lovato 2015

You never get a second chance to make a great first impression.

That's because within seconds of meeting you, people will have judged your social status, your level of education, and even your potential for success.

Within just 2-3 minutes, they've also decided on your levels of intelligence, your trustworthiness and your overall degree of competence. And although these evaluations happen in an instant, their effects can last for years, or decades - even a lifetime.

Behavioral research has proven that once we‘ve made a judgment about someone, everything we see and hear from then on gets filtered through this initial impression. So it goes without saying that if you're looking to make a charismatic first impression, you had better get it right the first time.

In this article, you'll learn:
+ The Science Behind First Impressions
+ Why First Impressions Are So Powerful
+ How To Make Yourself Unforgettable To Everyone You Meet
+ How To Master the Art of Clever Compliments

The Science Behind First Impressions

Perhaps the biggest reason that first impressions have such an impact is that they're often actually right. In fact, several notable studies have confirmed that we humans have evolved to be pretty accurate in our perceptions of someone's personality - even after meeting them for only a few seconds.

In psychology, it's called the Primacy Effect. This is the condition by which your first impression about someone (or something) causes you to interpret their future behavior in a way that is wholly consistent with your first impression.

These compelling findings were the basis for Malcolm Gladwell’s popular book, Blink, which summarized much of the research.

In one study conducted at the University of Texas at Austin, people were able to judge a person's personality traits - including openness, agreeableness, emotional stability, self-esteem, loneliness, and even political orientation - with 90% accuracy just by looking at a single snapshot!

That's because first impressions are generated by the fastest part of the brain, which is also the most primitive. This 'reptilian brain' may have been a key to our ancestors‘ survival in hunter-gatherer times, when we often had only a split second to determine whether shapes entering our field of vision were friend or foe. 

Today, even in sophisticated business settings, we still operate on hunter-gatherer survival instincts. Many CEOs and human resource professionals will openly admit that they decide whether they‘ll hire a job applicant within the first few seconds of the interview.  As one hiring manager said, 'The rest of the interview is just window dressing.'

How To Use The Power Of First Impressions To Your Advantage 

The good news is that there's a simple skill that almost anyone can learn to virtually guarantee a positive first impression. And nearly 3 years of comprehensive research on the topic of charisma has lead me right back to the same technique I used over a decade ago.

Looking back on my career working in some of Chicago's busiest nightclubs, I can pretty much say that of all my trade secrets, the most powerful was also the most simple:

Between 11pm and 1am, I'd make it a nightly ritual to tour the venue and offer sincere praise to every woman in attendance.

That's right - I said every one of them. 

That meant that if there were 300 women in the venue, I'd make it a point to hand out 300 unique, sincere compliments a night. Every night.

(As you can imagine, I got pretty damn good at it)

This nightly ritual not only guaranteed that the women who came to our events always left with a  positive experience, it also guaranteed that they'd be back for more the following week.

Female customers are the life-blood of any nightclub's success, and it was no accident that our promotional company quickly earned a reputation for always bringing out the city's most beautiful women.

How To Make Yourself Unforgettable: The Power of Authentic Praise 

According to body language expert Allan Pease, complimenting someone you meet for the first time means that they'll actually remember you as being taller, thinner and younger than you actually are! 'So forget about diets', says Pease. 'Just learn how to give compliments!'

Allan Pease

The power of genuine appreciation is no less potent today than it was 80 years ago when Dale Carnegie wrote one of the most legendary books of all time, 'How To Win Friends and Influence People'.

Norihiro Sadato, professor at the National Institute for Physiological Sciences in Japan adds 'Our research has shown that the same area of the brain affected in this study, the striatum, is activated when a person is rewarded a compliment or cash.'

This crazy but true statistic has been proven in numerous studies over the past decade, and yes - I still make it an automatic habit to offer sincere praise to everyone I meet. It's a virtually guaranteed means of always making an unforgettable first impression.

(For more: See My Article on the 6 Qualities of Highly Charismatic People)

How To Master the Art of Clever Compliments

The goal of any aspiring charismatic should be to leave everyone you encounter with two things: A positive impression of you, and more importantly - a positive feeling about themselves.

One secret I use for giving the perfect compliment is to be sure that it's uniquely tailored to the individual. I'll do this by simply observing what it is that the recipient already wants to be complimented on.

 - Did the person make it a point to show up in a custom-fit suit?
 - Did they just have their hair or nails done?
 - Are they wearing accessories that perfectly compliment their attire?

HELLO ... These little nuances are hardly an accident!  

Humans beings are hard-wired to appreciate people who notice and appreciate them. So tell people what they did right. Then tell them why you appreciate them for it.

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